The disparity between my inner and outer reality is alarming. I thought I knew myself better than this, but it turns out, I was all wrong. Today I’m feeling judgmental, impatient, and slightly unkind. Repeatedly. Observing myself from a safe distance, I keep a close eye on this warrior woman occupying my body, I can’t figure out where she came from, or how to get rid of her. She does not budge an inch, for me, or anyone else who happens to get in her way. You go girl. This is not my usual demeanor, but I appreciate her efficacious nature, especially when she’s putting a dent in the blue shield, trying to wrestle a security code from the guy with a Napoleon complex, or battle with customer service over ones network status.
How does one deal with gate keepers? Sometimes I think the world has gone mad. Round and round we go with just about every service, appointment, and network we encounter. I refuse to give up.
I believe in civility even when the situation seems absurd.
I remember when I was just a young girl, maybe four, or five. I was at the park with my mom. I decided to jump on the merry-go-round with the older kids but they didn’t want me to join in. I got one leg over the bar when the kids started to push the merry go round faster and faster. I had to hop on one leg, or get thrown to the ground, and stomped on by the mean girls. I was panicked. Just when I thought I was losing my grip the merry-go-round came to an abrupt halt. I turned around and found my mama grasping the bars with both hands, dragging her body across the rough gravel, using all her strength to stop the momentum, so I could get off safely. I remember her bloody knees, her dignified anger, the way she stared down those mean girls. I saw her warrior woman that day and I was ever so proud.
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In the midst of all this chaos the unexpected happened. It always does. Just when I’ve lost all hope in humanity someone comes along and restores me. We struggled from the car to the doctors and back to the car. Mom was exhausted and we still needed to get lab work done. I pushed ahead, dropping her off on a bench in the shade, racing off to park the car, jogging back to the bench. The long walk to the office, the endless lines, the medical cards, the signatures, and the wait. I’m not sure she’ll have enough energy to get back to the car. The nurse who is signing us in can see the panic in my eyes and she responds like a human, “Come on in here honey, bring your mom, we’ll just get this sample right now.” Her name is Linda. Mom plops into the chair, head leaning against the wall, eyes closed. I don’t think she realizes this nurse took us in front of all these other people but I do. She is ever so gentle, “a slight pinch honey, I’m sorry, here we go, almost done sweetheart.” I’m stunned. My eyes start to water, I blink, and fight back the emotions threatening to overcome me. Linda finishes and gently places a bandaid on the wound, “all done.” In a very soft voice Mom says, “thank you.” I help her stand, looking to the ground, because the unsaid ‘thank you’ is spilling from my eyes. Linda notices, she reaches for my arm, and gives me a supportive squeeze. I can not speak. I’ve been hopping on one foot for months, when this complete stranger reaches out and stops the uncontrollable spin, with undeserved kindness.
I did.
I so did.
Well guess what? I’m no longer sharing my plans with God. I need a vacation from all this growth and enlightenment. Just when I get comfortable, a new normal moves in, and I’m under reconstruction. I realize the importance of flexibility, resilience, and compromise. It has to do with everything that is working in my life – husband, children, family, friends, and quite possibly my relationship with God. But there are situations that call us into action, especially when someone you love needs help, and you just dig in for the long haul.
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You Can’t Have Her Just Yet
Dealing with Illness
The Family Tree
Family
Look Both Ways Before Crossing
A philosophy for life
This is a Woman to Love
Legacy
tears…. and great love for you and your momma. I'm here. What can i do?
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Awe Susan! Thank you. I have some good news, over the last two days things are looking up. Mom is getting stronger, oh yeah, her appetite is coming back, and her attitude! Lord have mercy. Let's go for a glass of wine next week. I might need two. Love you.
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