There is something sensual about a winter morning. Don’t you think? How the blanket of fog embraces the voluptuous slope of the mountain, the texture of the light slowly spreading across the shadowed sky, and the promise of fresh brewed coffee wafting through the air. I question my relevance in the presence of such raw beauty. A beauty that has it’s own purpose, not unlike that of humanity, longing to perpetuate itself beyond space and time. Infinite and eternal are such appealing concepts on a morning like this, and I’m beginning to understand that everything has a purpose, even me.
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| An old photo from July 2015 |
I glance over at Mom, resting on the couch, enveloped in my plaid shawl, a delicate life force still moving through her, but ever so slightly. It makes me consider the cosmology of life, circular for some, linear for others. I wonder how rare it is to have four generations existing simultaneously in one small sliver of time. It certainly sparks gratitude in my heart. I look at Mom knowing she is the one who made it all possible, maybe it was life longing for itself, but my granddaughter Audrey is the result, and she is my crown jewel. I am delighted how she boldly depicts the familia traits, as a grandparent I am charmed (instead of horrified), and this might be my greatest gift.
I was just thinking how I rarely do anything in the present that benefits the future because dark chocolate is more appealing than the size of my ass, a new car more important than the retirement fund, and long naps in the middle of the day leave the chores for tomorrow. But the future belongs to Audrey and she trumps the appeal of my transient pleasures. So I recycle, I conserve, I consider the concept of legacy, but most importantly I take care of my mom. You might question the wisdom of caring for parents as a futuristic investment but I think this is vital to your kismet (destiny, fate). Learning to put the needs of others before my own is a powerful evolution in life and maybe the only one that really matters. Fighting for the future of someone you love is both powerful and transformational on a spiritual level. If life is infinite and eternal, sacrifice is essential, eventually we’ll all be crucified by love. 
When my Mom is near I feel at peace. I consider briefly if this might be her last trip to the lake. This fleeting thought makes my heart ache with such intensity that I banish it from my mind. It’s hard for me to imagine a future without my mother. She is as much a part of me as my thoughts, she has influenced the way I think, feel, and act in the world. She molded me as mother’s do and I can not separate myself from these early influences any more than I can separate myself from my own limbs. Good, bad or otherwise her mark on me is indelible like baptism, marriage, and superglue. Although superglue has a good chance of superseding most marriages in terms of strength and endurance. But I digress…
I don’t remember why we started reminiscing about Dad in the early morning, but it is interesting how we focus on the best in each other, especially after death. Dad’s humor and good nature now supersedes some of his less desirable traits. I believe this is both wise and good, because our most vile behaviors spring from fear and regret, not goodness and hope. So they are lessons learned, not memories to be immortalized. I suppose we find what we are looking for, so why not focus on the good, who knows what you will discover.She said (referring to my Dad), “He was a good partner for me.”
“Why do you say that Mom?”
“Well, he was not only thoughtful and kind, but he was an old soul.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“He changed my perspective on many things, especially when I was upset. I’m a better person because of him.”
“That’s a beautiful compliment to Dad.”
“He was a good man. I miss him.”
“I miss him too.”
If anyone thinks they are a better person because of you, I say bravo, that is the ultimate praise. Marriage is not about falling in love, marriage is the long arduous journey towards selflessness, and more importantly kindness, which spills out to the rest of the world. Fidelity is not just physical, it is a daily practice of loyalty, especially when our partners are vulnerable or distressed. Impacting the future in a positive way might seem impossible but I believe we are ignorant to the ways we truely bless one another. So in a nutshell, the only thing that is infinite and eternal is our love, and how we bestow it on one another. It’s February, if we really want to impact the future, I say choose love.
Living in the Gap 