The Itsy Bitsy Spider



“Larry!”

Nothing.

“LARRY!”

Nothing.

“LAWRENCE JOSEPH OREGLIA!”

“What?”

“Come here quick!”

“Why?”

“OH MY GOD, GET IN HERE!”

He comes sauntering through the back door as slow as molasses. Really?

“Look at this,” I’m pointing to a pile of clothing on the floor of the closet where a HUGE black spider has positioned himself. 

“What?”

“I was about to grab my pajamas and take them to the laundry room when I noticed this spider was trying on my top. Look at that thing?”

“Where?”

“Are those the only two words you know? There’s a huge spider sitting on my pajamas.”

“I can’t see anything, I’ve been outside.”

“For the love of God? Smack yourself a few times, this is an emergency.”

It isn’t more light we need, it’s putting into practice what light we already have. Peace Pilgrim

I get the look as he leans his head in the closet for a better view.

I scream, “Watch out!”

He jerks back so quickly he bumps his head on the doorjam.

“They can move sideways you know.”

I think he glared at me. That’s the thanks I get?

“I can’t see a thing,” rubbing his head.

I start singing, “he was blinded by the light, revved up like a dunce,
another runner from fright…”

“Those aren’t the words.”

I practically put my finger on it, “Honey, it’s right there, he’s as big as my damn hand.”

He squints, “It looks like a zipper.”

Shaggy starts barking and jumping around which is not helping.

“A zipper? Are you kidding? Those are his god-forsaken legs all spread out! He’s enormous.”

“Oh yeah, he’s coming into view, holy shit!

“It’s spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever’s nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind.” Charlie Brooker

“Holy shit is right. You think he can hear us?”

“No”

Spiders, in fact, do taste, and also smell, through special sensory organs on their legs, as well as on their pedipalps. And they hear – or, more specifically, they sense vibrations – through hairs and tiny slits distributed over much of their body. A spider’s sensitivity to vibrations is finely tuned.

“You need to find a cage and remove it from my closet.”

“A cage?” He slips off his shoe.

“Wait, you’re not going to kill it on my new pajamas? It’ll leave a mark.”

Whack, whack, whack. “I got him.”

“Yes, you did. See how his body parts are all smashed into the fabric of my new pajamas. Perfect. I wonder if a stain stick will work.”

Larry gathers up the fragmented body with a wad of Kleenex and dumps what’s left of him into the toilet.

“Hope his friends don’t retaliate.” 

“I’ll be outside if there are any more emergencies?

“We should watch Arachnophobia tonight?”


“I’m watching the game.”

“Chicken.”

A few hours later… 

Larry and I are walking to the car to attend a winery event in Kelseyville when I feel something bite my calf! It’s true.

“F%@#K,” I reach down and try to squeeze the culprit to death through my skinny jeans. I sort of scream, “Larry we have to go back in the house!”

“What? Why?” (His new favorite words?)

I’m running towards the house unzipping my jeans as I go.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I think there is a spider is in my pants and the damn thing bit me.”

“I think you’re imagination is getting the best of you.”

“Well than my imagination bit me.”

He slowly unlocks the door. Hello molasses?

A certain degree of emotional detachment is important. It helps you take a step back from problems, surprises and expected events, and therefore, to be less affected by them. This helps you stay calm and in control of yourself, and therefore, be in a better position to deal with whatever is happening in your life. Remez Sasson

I race past him and rip my jeans off in the entry way. Obviously the spider fell out of my pant leg during the run to the house. Weird? Standing there with my pants around my ankles, no dead spider, no suspicious mark on my calf. I shrug. 

“Well this is an interesting turn of events?”

“Honest mistake,” attempting to retrieve my dignity as quickly as possible. 

He tries not to laugh, “I can do a thorough search if you’d like.”

“That’s very kind of you…but no. I’m good.”

“We can’t be too careful.”

“Yes, yes we can,” I head back to the car, inspector Larry slowly following.

“Well I’m glad we got that out of the way and you weren’t compelled to rip your jeans off while we’re tasting wine.”

“Spider venom comes in many forms. It can often take a long while to discover the full effects of the bite. Naturalists have pondered this for years: there are spiders whose bite can cause the place bitten to rot and to die, sometimes more than a year after it was bitten. As to why spiders do this, the answer is simple. It’s because spiders think this is funny, and they don’t want you ever to forget them.” Neil Gaiman

“Very funny. I think it was spiderman who was bit by a random spider and gained all these super powers. Right?”

“What?” (There it is again)

“You never know.”

Later that night Larry came down with the flu and can’t find the remote to the T.V…

“Karma’s a bitch.”

“Just bad luck.”

“I feel great, as if I had superpowers!”

“Maybe you can find the remote with those superpowers?”

“Haha, that’s what I used to hide it.”

I come to believe the key to everything is attitude. Unexpected things have a way of creeping into our lives, but a negative event can sometimes awaken our curiosity, resilience, and perseverance, which can lead to unimaginable outcomes? Or one dead spider, the flu, even superpowers?

Scientist have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it. Unknown. 


Anecdotes: 

  • I’m only going to say this once, listen up, “Nancy was right.”
  • Scientist think that a person is never more than 3 feet away from a spider at any given time. #fact
  • That moment when there’s a spider is on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master. Unknown
  • An adult being bitten by a radioactive spider and getting superpowers is kind of ridiculous? Tom Holland

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