“It’s only awkward if it matters.” Joyce Rachelle

There are some conversations that should never be heard in the light of day, it’s true, they should be confined to the pages of a nondescript journal, sequestered to the back of a dusty bookcase, maybe to be discovered post mortem. Life is not always graceful, and unfortunately for you I process my experiences online, impulsively publishing my unfiltered thoughts with little regard for your sensitivities.

This is how the unpleasantness got out in the first place, all I can say is there is some reprehensible use of language, and you might consider this a courtesy warning?

“It’s going to be a shit show,” I think I hear Larry spew something of this manure nature as he enters our room, totally shattering my pristine dreamscape.

Now, just so you get the full picture, the sun hasn’t fully risen, I’m still trying to make sense of my hazy world, in a complete fog I struggle to remember where I am, oddly enough the curtains at the lake are taupe and the ones at home are blue, I deduce we’re home, but squint at the man standing in the doorway to confirm it’s my husband attempting to discuss colons before coffee?

Who does that?

Stretching my groggy limbs, I mumble something nondescript, “things are called shit for a reason, dear.”

He walks over, places a cup of coffee on my nightstand, and a kiss on my lips.

I watch him settle into his recliner before he blatantly overshares, “I’m thinking of scheduling my colonoscopy for next week.”

Attempting to adjust the pillows behind me, I offer a pleasant warning, “no bathroom talk before my first cup please, Emily Post would be appalled.”

Disregarding the established decorum, he says, “when are you due for your next one?”

After a fitting and proper glare, I say, “I’m enormously aghast to confirm there will be a sequel to Cheryl’s Rectum, I got my notice a few weeks ago, which I’m planning to ignore for the near future, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, it would be irresponsible.”

“Let’s schedule them together.”

Is there anything more ghastly than picturing that sort of procedure with your husband holding your hand? I have no words so I remain silent.

“Think about it, we’ll have our Dulcolax cocktails before a liquid dinner, you can light some of those smelly candles, each of us traipsing off to our own restroom, clean as a whistle by morning.”

“Yes, if memory serves you scheduled your last one the day after Mother’s Day?”

“I had to watch you slicing up your filet mignon while I sipped gallons of vile Kool-Aid.”

“It was not the romantic evening I was envisioning, I believe you were quite testy about the prep?”

“A couple’s cleanse, it’ll bring our relationship to a whole new level.”

The idea is ludicrous, I mimic his earlier claims, “it will definitely be a shit show.”

Rubbing his chin, as if seriously considering this whole shindig, he says, “we’ll have to stock up on ultra soft toilet paper.”

I laugh claiming, “Bahaha, because you’re full of crap.”

He smiles and says, “I believe it’s one of the few times in my life when I will not be full of shit!”

I lift my cup and offer, “to duo defecations, honey I need a refill.”

As he gets up to grab my cup, he says, “we’ll have to Uber.”

“That will be interesting, instead of drunk college students, they’ll have to manage two elderly people still high on Demerol, carrying their donut pillows.”

“I’ll treat you to a McDonald’s breakfast biscuit after they’re done filming our sequels.”

“Honey, Netflix has nothing on us.”

We moved on to more mundane topics, but the truth is I believe words are strong enough to overcome what we fear, don’t you? As Anne Morrow Lindbergh says, “good communication is as stimulating as black coffee,” and just as pungent in some cases.

All joking aside, a colonoscopy is the best screening test available for colorectal cancer, a lifesaving procedure, and a necessity for everyone at some point in life. It is the only screening test that also prevents many colorectal cancers, but unlike the COVID vaccine, people aren’t lining up for their debut? 

During a colonoscopy your doctor examines the lining of your entire colon to check for polyps or tumors. These are the terminators of life, we want to know about them, so they can be removed immediately. It might sound uncomfortable and embarrassing but there are many reasons we all need to schedule an appointment.

Unbeknownst to many, colon cancer is super common, it can run in families, or happen randomly, but the best news is the procedure is simple and non evasive. I agree, it’s awkward as hell (so are mammograms), maybe that’s why the whole couples colonoscopy has not taken off? 

No excuses, you have the script, and as Milena Veen says, you too can be “an inexhaustible source of awkwardness.”

I’m Living in the Gap, discussing colons before coffee, care to join the conversation in the comments?

Anecdotes:

• “Spontaneously, without any theological training, I, a child, grasped the incompatibility of God and shit and thus came to question the basic thesis of Christian anthropology, namely that man was created in God’s image. Either/or: either man was created in God’s image – and has intestines! – or God lacks intestines and man is not like him. The ancient Gnostics felt as I did at the age of five. In the second century, the Great Gnostic master Valentinus resolved the damnable dilemma by claiming that Jesus “ate and drank, but did not defecate.” Shit is a more onerous theological problem than is evil. Since God gave man freedom, we can, if need be, accept the idea that He is not responsible for man’s crimes. The responsibility for shit, however, rests entirely with Him, the creator of man.” Milan Kundera
• “We react squeamishly to shit, don’t we? But if we look into the matter you’ll see that it’s the most valuable substance on earth, all life comes from shit and returns to shit.” Daša Drndić
• “Sometimes I act like I have my shit together more than I do. Sometimes I act like I don’t have my shit together as much as I do. I’m done acting. I’d rather just be okay with however together my shit is at the time, and still do my best to show up, as I am.” Scott Stabile