Plastered On The Refrigerator Door…

I’ve been thinking about refrigerators lately, maybe because it’s hot outside, and they’re sort of “cool.”

As a writer, I believe you can tell a lot about a person by what they post on the outside of their refrigerator. I’m serious. There are actual studies done on what serial killers keep on their refrigerators so if you’re worried about one of your friends, read on.

There is one in almost every home in America, not serial killers, refrigerators, and they are not only filled with stale leftovers and expired milk, but decorated with calendars, art, faded photographs, and fridge-worthy articles.

Things that comfort, a grocery list, mementos, but really it’s a philosophical billboard that dominates your kitchen. This is the heart of the home, the panacea of all ills, and it’s revealing as hell. If you ask someone, “what is currently attached to the outside of your refrigerator?”

You’ll find out there are two kinds of people. Ones that use the fridge as a bulletin board and ones that don’t even allow fingerprints. 

Think about it, the fridge is the only appliance that not only displays shit but stores the things you can’t live without. You rarely see a decorated oven. Why is that?

So what does your refrigerator say about you? This is backed by science so try and take it seriously.

The Naked Refrigerator:

This could be considered obscene but the science indicates you are the type of individual who wakes up at the same time each morning, runs to exercise, hits the shower, arriving at work at precisely 8:15 am every damn day. You’re as dependable as Big Ben. You never fail to make your bed because you are anal about certain things and this includes a clean car, an organized Tupperware drawer, and a fresh kitty box. Some might refer to you as controlling, but you would rather be known as punctual, someone with strong leadership skills. You drink your coffee black, you like your steak rare, and enjoy expensive wine. Your fridge is most likely made with that stainless steel that doesn’t show fingerprints. Oh yeah, your favorite show is Schitt’s Creek.

The Magnet Queen:

OMG, you are one of those woke individuals with a mindful meditation downloaded on your iPhone because you can’t start your day without it. Then you write with a colorful gel pen in your customized Moleskine journal while listening to classical music. You text your friends little motivational quotes you come across on the internet several times a day. You eat organic. If one were to get past all your magnets they’d find berries, yogurt, and bean sprouts stored in the fridge. You’re empathic, you listen with both ears, and end up being the garbage can for many of your friend’s problems. You’re an aspiring writer, and if this pandemic ever ends you’ll write a book about some bohemian excursion, Elizabeth Gilbert style. Life is a journey for you, the destination does not matter, and you haven’t missed an episode of The Amazing Race in years.

The Sticky Notes:

First of all, you are an organizational freak (you prefer guru) and you love it. From the minute you wake up, to the moment you lay your head on the pillow at night, you have back-to-back meetings scheduled, followed by playdates, food shopping, and Boot Camp at the Community Center. You definitely use that fricken calendar on your iPhone and you check it like ten times a day. You do unwind, with prosecco and apple slices, but you’re checking email between sips. You know how to multi-task and you actually enjoy texting while you cook and scheduling the dog for his next grooming. You can always add another sticky note to the fridge. You don’t have time for television so you watch Friends on your iPhone while preparing for bed. 

The Artwork Display:

This one is revealing of creative types, you’ve turned a recent art project into a cell phone cover, screen savor, and bookmark. You have to weed your Pinterest folders like most people weed a garden because you have no less than thirty folders filled with craft projects, nifty storage solutions, and ideas for remodeling the kitchen. You like to bake in your free time, organize intimate dinner parties, and set a fine table while entertaining. When you paint it’s on large canvases with bold colors. The t-shirts you designed are now trending on Etsy. Creativity is your thing and you’ll work into the wee hours of the morning if you are under the spell of inspiration. Your favorite shows are Sister Wendy’s Story of Painting and Stanly Tucci; Searching for Italy.

The Refrigerator Collage:

This is the friend who insists on capturing every moment with a photo whether you are traveling, playing in the front yard, or eating at your favorite restaurant. You are ridiculously sentimental, love sappy movies, and organize your keepsakes into shrines. You have at least a dozen photo albums stacked in the back of the closet chronicling your entire life, and although you enjoy the Disney tunes, your playlist is filled with Glen Campbell’s greatest hits. Let’s get one thing straight, you’re a walker, not a Gym rat. You consider yourself a fashion guru who has been known to spend a fortune on designer shoes, dresses, and slacks. You’re a gifted gift giver because you’re thoughtful. Your favorite movie is The Bridges of Madison County and you watch it every year. 

The Fridge-Worthy Clippings:

When faced with a problem you’re known to exclaim, “Give me a minute, I read something about that.” You are a prolific reader and when you finish a book you write a recommendation on the inside cover and promptly return it to the neighborhood library. Your pantry is immaculate along with your lingerie drawer and your t-shirts are organized by color (white being your favorite). Your idea of a vacation is a cruise to Alaska and you enjoy a tight itinerary. Lunch out with friends is the height of your social calendar. You play pickleball on the weekends and your racket is always stored with its cover. At night you watch Blue Bloods after your bath and right before bed. 

Oh and the thing serial killers keep on their fridge; is a set of magnetized knives for gutting livestock. If they’re freshly cleaned, run! 

My mom always had a fridge-worthy article tapped at the eye lever on the side of the refrigerator. There would be a piece by Ann Landers on dog etiquette, an article about managing menopause naturally, or some hysterical essay from Erma Bombeck warning housewives, “I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored.”

I took a picture of an article I found taped to moms refrigerator after she died. It read, “be a good steward of your gifts. Protect your time. Feed your inner life. Avoid too much noise. Read good books, and have good sentences in your ears. Be by yourself as often as you can. Walk. Take the phone off the hook. Sit for a spell and watch the birds.” I have no attribution. 

Today I had one of those flashes of inspiration, maybe I’m watching too much baseball, but it came at me as if a baseball had smacked me right in the head. What would it feel like to connect with someone so profoundly that they actually printed out your words and taped them to the fridge? 

Someday I want to write something that is fridge-worthy. That’s all. 

I’m Living in the Gap, reconsidering my cluttered refrigerator, what are your goals for the summer?

PS ~ When I was a kid, I’m talking days ages ago, my girlfriend and I would make crank calls when my parents weren’t home. We’d dial these random numbers and I’d say, “Is your refrigerator running?” The person who answered the call would say, “yes.” And I’d return, “You better go catch it,” and we’d hang up giggling ourselves sick. The good old days…

PSS ~ Dorothy from Dorothy’s New Vintage Kitchen nailed it. She said, “I’m pretty sure under all that clutter is a naked refrigerator.” Meaning underneath it all, we’re all the same. I love that.