“Need is often dressed as love, but it is always self-concerned. Love can be dressed any old way it wants, but it will always be concerned with the good of the other.”  Donna Goddard

The alarm sounds across the room at 6:30 am. The thoughts spinning in my head are not printable.

My first assumption is the house is on fire as the horrific alarm gets louder with each round. If it hadn’t taken Larry soooo long to roll out of bed, walk three paces across the room, and turn off his damn phone, things might have been different.

But alas…

One by one, three smallish bodies wander into our room, half asleep, and crawl into my bed. 

Cora grabs my arm, snuggling against my side while she twirls my hair with her finger. Audrey makes a nest of Larry’s pillows and disappears while Sienna slips quietly into the fray. 

And so it begins…

As the kids are streaming in, Larry moves as quickly as possible toward the garage, his mountain bike, and ultimately his Saturday morning escape.

Before he heads out for his ride, he sticks his head in the door (brave) of our bedroom and asks, “do you want coffee?”

“What I want is my finishing sleep.”

“Oh, did the alarm wake you?”

“Yes, it did, along with these hooligans.” 

“I was too tired last night to set the one by my bed, so I just used my phone.”

“How considerate.”

I hear him smirking as he walks back to the kitchen to pour me a cup of coffee.

We all do it. 

We make decisions based on our needs or the needs of others. Have you ever stopped to think why?

There is a plethora of theories, studies, and research about why we put the needs of others before our own or vice versa. I thought it was an interesting subject, so I did a little research on my own (by that, I mean I googled the topic). And after carefully comparing my own experience with that of the online data, I stumbled on the truth about altruism. 

So, if you want to know the real reason people put others before themselves or if we’re ultimately only serving our own purposes, keep reading. 

The first theory is the “kin selection theory.” It claims we help those genetically related to us because we want the clan to survive. By helping our relatives, we’re increasing the likelihood that our genes will be passed on to future generations.

In three generations, I will most likely be forgotten, but my legacy is not about me. It’s about what I want my children to emulate. I believe that people who have the desire to give back to the world are people who have strong memories of being helped along the way. 

So when Julie and Nic ask if Larry and I can watch the kiddos while they enjoy a night on the town, we jump at the opportunity to overcome our own extinction. The problem with living across the street from each other is we still have to schedule time together. Retirement isn’t as sedentary as I was hoping. I feel as if I’m always getting on or off a bike, and Julies’ family is constantly on the go.

Their event ended up being an 80s party, which is ridiculous because I lived through that era. Nic wore a Hawaiian shirt, and Julie wore a neon dress with my white tennis shoes. They looked adorable. 

I should add I never went to a party dressed like that in my entire life, especially during the 80s, but we did have the fluffy hair thing going on. It was all the rage. I will go out on a politically incorrect limb and say it was hair spray from the 80s that destroyed the Ozone. 

Nevertheless, Larry and I get the grandkids for an entire night, and we’re giddy with joy. They almost always sleep over on date nights because we don’t want to wake up the kids so we can carry them across the street in the middle of the night. And besides, Larry and I fall asleep as soon as the kids go down. 

Sometimes sooner. 

The minute they walk in the door, I perk up and shift into Grammie mode. We’re doing breakfast for dinner tonight. I’m talking crispy bacon, toast dipped in a thick egg mixture, fried in butter, then sprinkled with spoonful after spoonful of powdered sugar. I did peel a few oranges to appease my guilt over serving my grandkids sugar for dinner. It’s a hit. After three rounds of toast, and a slab of bacon, it’s time to dump the sugar-coated kids in the tub.

This is my time to relax. The kids enjoy a bucket of tub toys and mountains of bubbles while Grammie supervises with a glass of wine. Audrey slips out of the tub early to tell me about her new crush. This goes on for the better part of an hour. 

Then it’s reading, a few shows, and lights out. This means they’ll be talking for another hour while Nono and I snore softly in the next room. At least we can close our eyes, knowing we’re assisting in the succession of our clan.

Bahaha.

Oprah Winfrey once taped a show in which a life coach discussed the concept of self-care – putting your own needs ahead of anyone else’s – and the audience actually booed. 

Women were upset by the mere suggestion that they should put their needs before those of their children. 

Oprah interrupted and said, “No one was saying you should abandon your children and let them starve. The life coach was suggesting that you nurture yourself so you’ll have more nurturing to give to those who most need you. It’s the airplane oxygen-mask theory: If you don’t put on your mask first, you won’t be able to save anyone else.”

My mom taught me the “reward” system when I was just a young whippersnapper. Well, she didn’t exactly teach me. I observed her as if a hawk growing up, and although the practice has mutated, it’s defined my lifestyle for the last forty years. Every time she completed a task, she rewarded herself with iced tea or coffee and a five-minute rest. 

I supplemented with chocolate kisses. It went something like this, finish a load of laundry, chocolate kiss, clean the bathroom, chocolate kiss, If I brought a pot of minestrone over to my neighbor Bob because Marge was sick, I rewarded myself with a grande mocha from Starbucks. When the children were fed, the homework was done, and they were all tucked in for the night, I watched an entire episode of Magnum P.I. (with one chocolate kiss per kid) You get the idea. Put your mask on first, or you won’t be able to assist others. 

There is another theory I found online. We’ll call it the “reciprocity theory.” This theory suggests that we help others because we hope they’ll return the favor. It’s very human, a cooperative system if you will, and it’s why some people are more likely to help someone they know will be able to help them in the future. 

When I questioned Larry about this idea, he said it’s like the Word Press community, which he refers to with a rather course adage, but what he thinks is an I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine community, couldn’t be farther from the truth. What I discovered was completely unexpected. 

I found deep and abiding friendships with people I have only met online.

So here’s the thing, it is not possible to dive into someone’s life, help them solve a problem, read their blog, and therefore learn about their vulnerabilities and struggles without falling for them. I have more beloved WP friends than the people listed in my phone book. We might promote each other’s work, but we also encourage each other, brainstorm problems, and ease each other’s frustrations, not to mention the joy I get from receiving authentic tea all the way from England because Pete claimed it was better than coffee.

It’s a worthy beverage, but it’s not coffee.

I’ve also experienced numerous acts of generosity from people without the slightest hope for a return of the favor. For example, all those volunteer coaches for Little League, our tireless scout leaders, and people who serve their communities by organizing fundraisers or donating their time and money. We all benefit when we offer our services without the expectation of a return. Makes me think about all the people who have fought and died to keep our beloved country safe.

Personally, I think we all can do a lot just by generously confirming our partners, reducing the stress in our homes, and showing patience and compassion to our families and friends. 

I’ve learned that if someone weighs the costs and benefits of helping others before they decide to act, then they’re not genuine friends or someone I would consider family. They’re looking out for their own interests. That’s fine, but you should be aware of who you’re dealing with because selfishness likes to mingle with greed, and that can be a heady combination. 

And at last, we land on the “empathy-altruism theory,” which suggests we help others because we feel empathy toward them. Empathy being the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When we see someone in need, we put ourselves in their shoes and actually feel their pain. 

Empathy drives us to help each other regardless of the possibility of return. It is why strangers help each other in emergencies or hold hands during a turbulent flight, donate blood during a crisis, or help each other when a new baby is born. We’ve been there, we know how it feels, and we’re going jump in. 

In my opinion, the best service is dressed in love and involves the future of all families.

I might be a more successful writer if I did not seek to address human truth but spewed out my own limited opinions without caring for what is commonly understood as the sacred purpose of writing. And that is to inspire change. 

Without a degree in the origin of social constructs, this is what I concluded from my dilettante research. If you watch a couple of two-year-olds playing for five minutes, you’ll realize we are born selfish, but if we learn to recognize this in ourselves, we’d have a chance to countermand this tendency with empathy, compassion, and love. I don’t think any other species has ever tried to do this but humans. 

There are many reasons why we help others, but the most important reason is it sets a precedent for future generations, in fact, it might be the difference between surviving and thriving as a species. I think we jump in with both feet, strong arms, soft hearts, full of love, and no expectations. 

I’m Living in the Gap, jumping in, care to join me?

I did a podcast, linked here if you want to listen.

Link to Amazon if you want to order Grow Damn It and don’t forget to write a review!

Or Link to Books Inc. at The Pruneyard.

Also available at Black Rose Writing here.